Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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