I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
