Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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