How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The struggles of a small town man whore
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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