Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
