real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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