You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
