He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You ruined the universe
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
