I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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