Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
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