i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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