At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
