I wish I could teleport
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
