So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
