apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
