called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
