I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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