apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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