the condom got lost in my hair
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
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