Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
