My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
