Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
