I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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