i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Randomize
