The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
