i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
