Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
