I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
