Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Randomize
