Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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