If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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