The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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