She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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