The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize