well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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