Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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