Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
