my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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