Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
