watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
