what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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