Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
