Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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