don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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