Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
