Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
