Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
