I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
