the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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