Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Randomize