After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
