Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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