I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
