my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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