I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
