A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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