Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
